Strugglin'...

As if life couldn't get worse, along with the melancholy feeling I can't seem to shake, and other personal "Yokai" I'm personally facing, my brother has done it yet again. I want to give a brief history of what struggles have happened within my family in the last 4 years, because I know most people aren't familiar with them and I'd like to get them out on the table and off my chest. My brother has struggled with substance abuse for some time, and in the past 4-5 years has run away from home too many times to count, has gone through rehab 2-3 times, has stolen from my family multiple times, and is just making poor choices in general. It always seems to be this time of year, right around October, that he chooses to run away. And it always seems to be when I'm home with my brother while my parents are out of town on a trip. So he's run away again, with no indication to where he's gone, no way to contact him, no money (other than that he has received for the payment on stolen goods), and no hope in my heart that he'll return anytime soon. I don't know what to do with myself. I feel like this huge chunk of my heart goes missing each time he does, and that something I did caused him to leave. Why couldn't I be a better sister? Why couldn't I love him more, listen more, show him more that I cared for him? SHould I have invited him to Lagoon on Saturday? Maybe he would have changed his mind? Should I have invited him to live with Chris and I? What could I have done? And though I know the answer to each of these questions and that I couldn't have done anything to stop him from choosing to leave if that's what he wantd to do, it doesn't stop my heart from breaking each and every time I think about him. It's honestly breaking in two. I think of the worst time that anyone ever hurt me and this is a million times that feeling. And then I think of my parents and the heartache they must be feeling and I feel that I'm sinking into a deep, dark ocean and there is no hope for me, I'll probably drown and be there forever. I know I was bitter and mean and hurtful at times, and that is what kills me the most. Why couldn't I see the future and what my actions would have done to him? I understand we all have our agency and that the Lord will never force us to make correct choices, but I wish I better understood the motivation behind his actions. I wish he'd confide in me. I wish I knew how to help him better. To tell you the truth (and this is no hard feelings at all, just a random thought) it always hurt my feelings that he would talk to Whitney before he'd talk to me. Granted, we never got along that well to begin with, but I always thought that with what I had gone through, he'd trust me to understand his feelings and the reasons he did things better than anyone else. He trusted my husband better than he trusted me as his sister and that made me feel about as helpful as ice to an Eskimo. Anyway... enough with the vent session... I just pray that he's safe and knows how much we all love him, myself included (even if I didn't show it very well).

...Spencer, please just know that all this is true. We all love you....mom, dad, Whitney, Jon, Kael, Brady, Nathan, Chris and myself, and ALL our extended family. We all pray for you daily and hope you're safe and that nothing bad has happened to you. The Lord loves you, no matter how you may rebel against that, it will never change. If nothing else, please let us know that you're safe and out of harms way... I love you more than you can ever imagine... Love your sister, Cassidy Mae.