Saturday, August 15, 2009
Just one of those days...
For those of you who know me.... I mean, really know me, I'm sure you've often heard me joke about how I think the mothering gene wasn't included in my genetic makeup. Very rarely am I around a child with which I feel I can truly relate to, or who brings that "motherly feeling" out in me. It's not that I don't like children, it's just not very often that I feel the urge or desire to have one of my own. Being around my niece and nephews is, of course, the exception to that. When I'm around them, it brings this instinct in me that I can't really explain. It's this incredible love, and urge to protect and take care of them with every thing in me. That being said, as you are aware (if you've been reading my blog for the last year), I was pregnant last November. It came as a huge surprise and while at first I was apprehensive and to be honest, terrified to death, I got over those initial feelings very quickly. I grew to love the life growing inside of me with everything I had to offer. I truly started to think that even if something happened to me, I'd want this child to grow up strong and happy and with in a wonderful life, with a wonderful father. In my estimations, I would be having this child around the end of July, beginning of August of 2009. I was so excited that I couldn't even begin to express my joy over this amazing thing that was happening. At my very first appointment, when I was around 10 weeks along, my doctor did an ultrasound. I couldn't believe it, I'd finally get the chance to hear the heartbeat, to see this miracle growing inside of me. When the time came to view the ultrasound, I got a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, as I could see my doctor struggling to tell me something I think I knew, deep inside. There wasn't a baby there. Although I exhibited all the outward signs of the pregnancy, and clearly something had started developing, it stopped for some reason, never to continue. Although I tried to be brave, something broke inside of me. My heart stopped beating for that small measure in time, as I tried to grasp that all the hope, fear, and dreams I'd put into this little one were for nothing. At this point in my life, this was not to be my mission. I couldn't understand why this would have happened to me. I thought for sure I did something to cause it, and I wanted to blame everyone and no one at the same time. As time passed I started to feel some peace, as I don't think I was truly ready to start that journey. Now, onto what brought this time of reflection on today. My sweet sister-in-law, Jenni, had a little baby boy a couple weeks ago. This would have made our children about 2 weeks apart. We came out to Ohio to see her and her new baby, and to see the baby be blessed. While I'm so happy for her, I can't help but feel a little empty inside. My heart feels a little like a piece was ripped off it, a piece that wasn't healed fully quite yet. As I sit up in our hotel room, pondering the road my life has taken, I openly weep for the sweet baby that isn't to be mine at this time, for the life I was so ecstatic to know and help guide. Now, I understand that everything happens for a reason, but I can't help but feel a little bitter at these circumstances. I can't begin to describe the swirling of emotions I feel, or the thoughts in my head. All I can say right now is that my heart is broken again, and I pray that someone, anyone out there can think of me a little right now and say a little prayer that my Heavenly Father will help to ease this pain inside of my heart, and to bring comfort to my soul. And Jenni, if you read this, know that I'm SO happy for you, even if it doesn't seem like it. I know there are those of you who have gone through a similar situation, and so I ask, what do you do to fill the whole in your heart that is created when you lose something you never had to begin with? How do you move past it, and how do you stop carrying around that awful sorrow that I can't seem to shake this last month? Thanks for listening to me a little tonight. Just putting my thoughts out on "paper" helps more than anyone can know. I appreciate your prayers and any advice that you can give me....
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9 comments:
Thank you for being willing to open up, Cassidy. Healing takes time, but Heavenly Father will be there to bless you and show you He has a plan for you, Chris, and the children that will come to your home. I'll be thinking of and praying for you. :)
Cass:
It takes time to heal. Losing a baby that early makes it no less of a loss than losing one at 1 year. You mourn for the life that is lost, for the life that was cut too short. I'm so sorry for your loss. Its important to talk about; hang in there.
I love ya, my Cass. I'm always with ya. Ironically, enough, I'm sure Jenni understands your feelings more than most, since these very things happened to her a couple times. So chin up and the time will one day come for a family of our own! : ) Love you
Of course I can't say I know exactly how you feel. That would be incredibly insensitive...only those who have been in your shoes can claim that knowledge. But as far as loving that life inside of you...now there I can completely relate. Anyone who has been pregnant for even a day can. I understand--from the moment you find out your pregnant, something changes within you. I believe it comes from the place we call our "*DIVINE* nature". An all-encompassing love, of the purest form, grabs hold of our hearts and we instantly love that spirit, that child. That child is yours, and someday you will hold it. I don't care what some people may say...that baby was alive, was a person, and mattered, from the nano-second it was conceived. It was loved, and although unexpected, was wanted from the time the first cells went to work. Don't say you are mourning something you never had to begin with. You had it. It was yours and thanks to temple covenants you've made and live up to, it will always be yours. You have every right to grieve. I ache that you are going through this, but I'm glad your acknowledging these emotions. You'll be in my prayers tonight!
Creating Life and seeing Death are the two most altering experiences we go through on our journey here. You had to face them both with this one difficult experience. I have not been through what you have but I am sorry and my heart aches for you. Will be thinking of you.
Oh sweet Muffin! Just remember that you are part of our Heavenly Father's great "plan of happiness" and that He knows every sorrow you feel more than anyone. "He knows where the quick sand is, where the thorns are and how to best handle the slippery slope of our mountain summits." J. R Holland
Before Grandpa B. died, he gave me a blessing which promised all the enougement I would need to deal with for the things coming in life. I thought that was interesting, but have now begun to really understand the beauty of that blessing. Heavenly Father blessed me long before I needed to be encouraged. He knew what was coming. He loves you and so do all of us, more than you know. I love you, Mom
Oh sis- how my heart aches reading the way you are feeling. I understand how you feel and wish I knew what to say to make it all go away or at least be better. Just remember that the Lord has the "big picture" and for whatever reason he's chosen you to wait a little bit longer. Just don't forget that he knows you better than anyone ever will and he's there for you in your times of sorrow. I love you and I am always here to talk if you need a shoulder to cry on you know that. Have Chris give you a blessing those always helped when I had my rough moments. BEEP BEEP ZOOM!
Cass, I can understand how you are feeling. My heart broke when at 12 weeks, at my ultra sound, they had to tell me my baby had no heart beat. I still have moments of panic or doubt and think, wait...what if it did have a heart beat, what if it was alive, what if they did the D&C surgery and it was still alive? I know it wasn't...but I wanted to hold on to that little bean with everything I had. Every once in awhile I still think about what age my "first" child would have been. Sometimes it's still a little sad for me to remember that experience. It takes time to heal. But it will get better, it will be ok. I'm sorry for how your feeling, i do truly understand.
(ps, how do you know Karla? I went to high school with her. Small world)
Cass,
I am sorry for the heartache you had to go through while coming out here to watch me celebrate my successful pregnancy. Believe me Cass, I DO know how it feels. Both my sister in laws (steve's sister and his brother's wife) were due within weeks of when I would have been due with my last pregnancy/miscarriage. It made it so hard when they finally had the babies. While I was happy for them and would never wish on them what I had to go through, it was impossible to shrug off the heartache I felt as I watched them reach full term and have their babies. I was happy for their success, but it didn't erase those feelings of "Why not me? Why couldn't mine have turned out this way???" When the time comes, and you and Chris do have your first child, you will love that little person all the more because you know the pain of not having them. The best advice I can give is to just trust in God's timing. I know that is so hard and it doesn't make the pain go away (believe me, I know). But, that's about all that is in our power to do. Here is some great advice that was given to me by Megan after my last miscarriage when I was feeling really low. "Babies aren't the only thing in life to look forward to. Something very special, yes, something in your future i'm sure, but not THE ONLY thing to look forward to. You've got a wonderful husband who loves you very much. You've got wonderful talents. Take a class, train for a marathon, climb a mountain, ride a bike, sit alone and think or cry. Children are blessings, but if there's anything I missed out on it was really developing myself as a person before I became a mother. You have the rest of your life to be a mother, and Jen, you WILL be a mother. There is always more to learn about yourself and your husband, develop those things while you have a chance."
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