Sometimes I get caught up in the past. I know I’ve made a lot of mistakes and I’ve got a long ways to go, but sometimes I just start thinking of how my life would be different if things wouldn’t have gone the way they did. There are some things I did growing up (and to this day) that have definitely affected the way my life has turned out. On the other hand, people have done things to me that have affected it as well. How would it be different if I would have reacted or acted differently in my life? I know there are a few pretty big things that I’m dealing with now that would be a lot different. I have to admit, one of my "haunts" has been particularly troubling lately. I’ve figured out that’s why I’ve been in such a slump. I know I should move past it but I just can’t seem to. I just want to know why. I’m ashamed to say I’ve even been cyber-stalking this person, as if that will somehow magically answer the questions I have been carrying inside for so long. Somehow, by seeing their picture, or reading their posting on this blog, I’d be able to move past this event. I know it’s not the case, and I know it’s just “wishful” thinking, but I have to cope somehow. At the other end of the spectrum, I was able to get some LONG overdue closure from another person in my past, simply by breaching the “untouchable” subject. I flat out emailed this person and asked them the big question: “Why? Why did you do what you did to me?”. Their resulting answer was both satisfying and necessary. I was able to do some major healing after I got the answer I’d so long looked for. Thank you to this person. If you ever read this, I suspect you know who you are. I guess what I’m really trying to say is that I’m not one to hold a grudge… on the contrary. I think I’ve been more than generous with my forgiveness. But I am the type of person who will dwell on the things that truly changed the course my life has taken. Not that I regret any of it. What would I do without my amazing husband, or the knowledge I have now? But that’s not to say that I am unaffected by certain events in my life. I guess this turned into a pretty rambling post. But I just had to get this off my chest, I don’t feel like anyone would ever really understand how I feel about this person and why I’m in such desperate need for understanding and closure which I know I’ll never get.
3 comments:
I know what you mean. I don't venture to say I understand your specific situation, but I do know how hard it is to let some things go, no matter how much you want to. And eventutally some things DO hold us back from progressing unless we can find a way to work through them and leave them behind. I wish I had a magically answer for you but the truth is I'm still working on my own stuff to put behind me. Here's hoping we can both figure it out and that we'll be the better for it!
Just remember that there is one person who truly knows how you feel about all your going through! Thankfully you have a wonderful husband who loves and is there to support you and a terrific sister who will let you cry to her anytime you need to! (haha) I love you sis, I've never known a stronger more amazing woman!
I often think of Alma the younger when he was explaining to his sons about his conversion and how he was in the "darkest abyss." After he came to know the redeeming love of our Savior, he was able to experience the "marvelous light" of the gospel of Christ. He explained that he could remember his pain and sorrow, but that it no longer weighed him down. That is what happens, we can remember that things were painful, but they no longer bear upon us as burdens. I know first hand the suffering that others can bring upon us, through no fault of our own, and can testify that through the Atonement of the Savior we can "overcome" as we take his yoke upon us for "his yoke is easy and his burden is light." I want you to remember that through it all, you have learned so much and someday you will be given the opportunity to help someone else through difficulties, maybe one of your children. I love you girls so much!
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